Feeling your Feelings
I often experience clients going to great lengths to avoid feelings their feelings, whether it be through over analysis, rationalisation, changing of topics and other coping mechanisms like alcohol and bingeing of TV, food and other distractions. This makes sense, because for most of us, at some point, being vulnerable and expressing emotions wasn’t safe, accepted or encouraged. This leads to many of us living with anxiety, which we ironically work to avoid also.
How Anxiety Is Related to Avoiding Feelings
Anxiety often acts as a signal—a kind of alarm bell in the nervous system. But instead of pointing directly to what’s wrong, it can cover up what’s really going on emotionally. Many times, what anxiety is really doing is protecting you from feeling something deeper, like:
Sadness
Shame
Anger
Grief
Vulnerability
When we don’t allow ourselves to feel those emotions, our body still holds that tension—and it often shows up as anxiety. So in a way, anxiety can be the brain and body’s strategy to distract from, or avoid, painful or overwhelming feelings.
Why We Avoid Feelings in the First Place
Avoiding feelings is a deeply human thing. We usually start doing it for good reasons:
Survival Mode: If we grew up in an environment where expressing emotion wasn’t safe or welcome, we may have learned to shut them down.
Fear of Overwhelm: Some feelings feel too big, and we're afraid that if we let them in, they’ll take over or never stop.
Social Conditioning: We’re often taught that some emotions are “bad” or “weak.” So we suppress them to be more “acceptable.”
Cognitive Avoidance: Our minds might overthink or worry to stay in control, rather than drop into the emotional experience.
The problem is, emotions that aren’t felt don’t just go away—they build up and come out sideways: anxiety, irritability, exhaustion, disconnection, or even physical illness.
How Common Is This?
Very. Like, everyone does this to some extent.
In fact, anxiety disorders are the most common mental health issues worldwide. Avoidance of emotions is one of the most common patterns people develop—often unconsciously. It’s part of being human, especially in fast-paced, emotionally avoidant cultures.
How to Feel Safely
The good news? You can learn to feel your emotions safely. Here are some gentle, grounded ways to start:
🧘♀️ Body Awareness
Emotions live in the body. Try tuning into where you feel things (tight chest, lump in the throat, heaviness in the stomach).
Breath and grounding can help anchor you while you do this.
✍️ Naming Emotions
Simply naming what you’re feeling can reduce the intensity and help the brain feel safer.
Ex: “I feel sad,” “I feel overwhelmed,” “I feel afraid.”
🕊️ Allowing vs. Forcing
Don’t try to force yourself to feel deeply right away.
Just make space for whatever is there without judgment. Sometimes, “I notice I feel numb” is a valid emotional truth.
⏱️ Short Check-Ins
Try 2-minute check-ins with yourself throughout the day: “What am I feeling? Where do I feel it? What might this be about?”
🗣️ Safe Connection
Talking with a trusted person helps bring emotional safety.
Co-regulation with others helps us tolerate more emotional depth.
🎨 Creative Expression
Art, music, movement, or writing can give emotions a safe outlet when words feel too much.